My Attitude Adjustment

“If you’re feeling blue, try painting yourself a different color.” –Hannah Cheatem (Age 8)

I hate to admit it, but I’ve had a bit of a bad attitude about things in my life lately. Perhaps that’s why it’s been so long since I’ve written. As school approaches, I’ve been developing such dread. It’s my senior year of high school and I want so badly for it to be an incredible year. Yet, all I think about is the stress of applying to college and scholarships, mountains of homework, my senior project, preparation for graduation, and how difficult everything is going to be. I realized the other day—as I was thinking about all of these things—that I’m setting myself up for a dreadful year. No wonder I’m not excited about this school year; all I think about is all of the stuff I’m worried about!

The past few months I’ve been so frustrated with myself because I felt like I had nothing to write about. I felt like the things that were happening in my life weren’t really worthy of writing about. I even stopped reading on a regular basis for a time (this is never a good sign for me). I had no inspiration.

And then, the other day, something just snapped.

I’ve gotten so tired of having nothing to say; honestly, it’s exhausting! I’ve always been three things in the midst of changes throughout my life: a Christian, a performer, and a writer. I’m extremely devoted to my relationship with God. And I’m constantly on a stage, performing. I was even recently in a production of The Sound of Music as Liesl. So, why have I not been writing?!

I’ve been letting external circumstances determine if and what I write about. How messed up is that? I keep waiting for the “right” thing to say and the “right” time to say it. I’ve been waiting for things around me to change, instead of changing myself.  And I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t write for anything or anyone but myself. Otherwise, everything that I write will be shallow and meaningless.

I’m tired of tip-toeing around myself for the approval of others. I will never be proud of what I write unless it is sincere.

And, as I look at some big changes that are coming in my life, I’m reminded of a little mantra my mom started saying a while ago: “It’ll be fun.” She started out just saying it as a bit of a joke when she would try to motivate my sister and I to do something. She would say, “Hey, will you do the dishes? It’ll be fun!” or “Set the table. It’ll be fun!” But, as the mantra started to stick around, it’s come to mean more to me.

Maybe, even though some things ahead of me may scare me a little, they may turn out to be fun! Maybe my senior year will be better than just one stressful thing after another. And, maybe my changes in writing will turn out to benefit not only me, but also all of you who read this and my future posts.

I’m taking my bad attitude and blue feelings, and I’m painting myself a different color. Who knows how it’ll all go? But of one thing I am confident. It’ll be fun!!!

“There is no perfect time to write. There is only now.” –Barbara Kingsolver

Feel Free to Quote Me.