“If you’re feeling blue, try painting yourself a
different color.” –Hannah Cheatem (Age 8)
I hate to admit it, but I’ve had a bit of a bad
attitude about things in my life lately. Perhaps that’s why it’s been so long
since I’ve written. As school approaches, I’ve been developing such dread. It’s
my senior year of high school and I want so badly for it to be an incredible
year. Yet, all I think about is the stress of applying to college and
scholarships, mountains of homework, my senior project, preparation for
graduation, and how difficult everything is going to be. I realized the other
day—as I was thinking about all of these things—that I’m setting myself up for
a dreadful year. No wonder I’m not excited about this school year; all I think
about is all of the stuff I’m worried about!
The past few months I’ve been so frustrated with
myself because I felt like I had nothing to write about. I felt like the things
that were happening in my life weren’t really worthy of writing about. I even
stopped reading on a regular basis for a time (this is never a good sign for
me). I had no inspiration.
And then, the other day, something just snapped.
I’ve gotten so tired of having nothing to say;
honestly, it’s exhausting! I’ve always been three things in the midst of
changes throughout my life: a Christian, a performer, and a writer. I’m
extremely devoted to my relationship with God. And I’m constantly on a stage,
performing. I was even recently in a production of The Sound of Music as Liesl.
So, why have I not been writing?!
I’ve been letting external circumstances determine
if and what I write about. How messed up is that? I keep waiting for the “right”
thing to say and the “right” time to say it. I’ve been waiting for things
around me to change, instead of changing myself. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t
write for anything or anyone but myself. Otherwise, everything that I write
will be shallow and meaningless.
I’m tired of tip-toeing around myself for the
approval of others. I will never be proud of what I write unless it is sincere.
And, as I look at some big changes that are coming
in my life, I’m reminded of a little mantra my mom started saying a while ago: “It’ll
be fun.” She started out just saying it as a bit of a joke when she would try
to motivate my sister and I to do something. She would say, “Hey, will you do
the dishes? It’ll be fun!” or “Set the table. It’ll be fun!” But, as the mantra
started to stick around, it’s come to mean more to me.
Maybe, even though some things ahead of me may
scare me a little, they may turn out to be fun! Maybe my senior year will be
better than just one stressful thing after another. And, maybe my changes in
writing will turn out to benefit not only me, but also all of you who read this
and my future posts.
I’m taking my bad attitude and blue feelings, and I’m
painting myself a different color. Who knows how it’ll all go? But of one thing
I am confident. It’ll be fun!!!
“There is no perfect time to write. There is only
now.” –Barbara Kingsolver
Feel
Free to Quote Me.
